When looking over my draft, there were multiple things that I would change to make it a better product. Some evidence that I need to include in final draft is from the Miller and Jurecic’s text to support my claim on And thinking. This is a big point in my essay and it needs information from the text that I got it from. This would further develop my ideas with And thinking, and support my claims that i have about Gay’s text. I would connect an And thinking quotation to one of my points about how the sisterhood is And thinking. This would in turn strengthen my argument about how certain aspects of feminism are And thinking.

In my introduction I mention both of the formal texts that use in the explanation of my points in my essay. I mention the authors with one sentence in my introduction, but I also include another sentence that is about their ideas in their text. This is because last essay assignment I failed to add and describe fully what an author is contributing to my ideas as well as mention them to the reader in the introduction. I also mention the other text, while also added some ideas that will come up later, and describe what her article entails too. This introduction could use more points and ideas to make it a solid hook for the reader to grab onto.

Original

This type of thinking that Gay is using, leaves out critical and creative thinking, leaving first layer thinking of how good it would look for feminism if all female leaders said they were feminist. When in reality if all female leaders were feminist there would be a greater assumption of what feminism is.

Revised

This type of thinking that Gay is using, leaves out critical and creative thinking. Gay’s point is  first layer thinking, describing how good it would look for feminism if all female leaders said they were feminist. When in reality if all female leaders were to be feminist, then there would be a greater assumption of what feminism is. With society today labels are almost permanent when placed on big figure heads. In doing this would associate the negative view on feminism on leaders of big companies. 

With this revision, I feel now that the reader can further understand the point I am making about Gay’s “everyone is happy” idea. I describe more what will happen to companies if they label themselves as something that not everyone wants. Gay’s idea is actually the opposite of what a company, that wants to make money, wants to do. By adding these pieces of my idea, I inform the reader more of the points I am trying to make throughout my essay.